146. The Accountability Tightrope: How to Give Feedback to Employees Without Losing Their Trust

Transcript – Episode 146: The Accountability Tightrope: How to Give Feedback to Employees Without Losing Their Trust

Joe: Feedback is probably the most important skill that we need to develop as a leader in order to be able to hold people to high standards. And we have to recognize that a lot of times when leaders give feedback, we reach for vague subjective language. Our brains automatically do this instead of using more objective behavior-based language that is much clearer and doesn’t trigger defensiveness.

Joe: Hello, boss heroes, and welcome back to Boss Better Now, the show that aspires to be food for the boss’s soul. We’re doing something a little bit different this summer. A few weeks ago, I held a free webinar for subscribers to my Boss Better email newsletter on a challenge that many leaders struggle to navigate: how do you hold people to high standards of performance in the workplace while also being the kind of compassionate, supportive leader that people love? This balancing act is something that I refer to as the accountability tightrope. This webinar was a one-hour deep dive into the habits, mindset, and best practices for holding people to high standards while deepening — and not damaging — the relationships that make great teams possible.

Joe: I’ve decided to share that webinar with you, our devoted listeners, in its entirety across four parts this summer. So as the summer unfolds, enjoy learning how to navigate the accountability tightrope. And if you want to be sure that you don’t miss future special events and webinars like this one, make sure you subscribe to my Boss Better email newsletter. It’s free and I’ll never sell your information or spam your inbox. You can sign up by heading over to bossbetternow.com. And now here’s part one of the accountability tightrope.

Joe: Have you ever had a leader, known a leader, or worked for a boss that you might describe as too soft? Think about what that person did or did not do, and think about why this kind of leadership style might be ineffective. When I ask leaders this question in live sessions, you can probably guess the answers I hear back. They say that this kind of leadership style is someone who doesn’t show up with any accountability for other people. Or this is a leader who sometimes avoids uncomfortable conversations, so some employees coast and get away with it. Or maybe this style means the leader doesn’t fully trust people and so they micromanage them to death. And often we hear that team members with a leader who is too soft are frustrated. And sometimes the leader is frustrated too: “I’m being so nice, I’m being so caring, I’m extending all this compassion and flexibility — but people still aren’t performing and they aren’t fixing their mistakes.”

Joe: This is a leadership style that is referred to as a protector mindset. A protector mindset is a leadership approach that prioritizes comfort or underestimates capability. The result is you’re providing a high level of support for people but not sufficient standards to get them to the highest level of performance. Some common behaviors associated with this leadership style: sometimes the leader is avoiding assigning meaningful work because they think, “This person isn’t capable enough yet” or “They don’t have enough skill or experience to own this” — their approach is to prevent failure or overwhelm. Sometimes a leader operating from a protector mindset is avoiding hard conversations to prevent discomfort. Now, sometimes it might be their own discomfort because they haven’t learned how to give feedback, or they’re uncomfortable at the idea of making somebody else uncomfortable, so they avoid discomfort altogether.

Joe: Sometimes if you’re operating from a protector mindset, you’re lowering expectations when someone struggles, or you’re rescuing people instead of coaching them through the challenge: “Let me take this back” or “Let me just give you all the steps in order, I’ll write them down now, you go do that.” That is a protector mindset. Protector mindset also shows up when a leader is offering reassurance without clear expectations or feedback. If you’ve ever had that boss who tells you, “You’re doing a great job,” and then all of a sudden you get a problematic performance review — or you feel like you’re giving people lots of encouragement but you’re not being as forthcoming as you should be about the concerns you have. And sometimes we see leaders equating caring with being lenient: the way that I show I care about my people is by moving the goalposts on expectations, or creating a lot of flexibility about when things are due or how they should be done. This is high support without accountability, and it tends to leave everybody frustrated.

Joe: We have to remember sometimes that our job as leaders is not to protect the ego or the self-esteem of the people on our team. Our job is to create the conditions at work for people to thrive. And accountability is a key ingredient in that. If we’re operating from a protector mindset, there’s some accountability that’s missing.

Joe: In the first leadership job I ever had, I recognize now that I was very much operating from a place of protector mindset. I was very nervous about giving people feedback. When I did give feedback, I really wanted them to agree with me, so I was overly delicate — pussyfooting around, walking on eggshells. And I’m aware now that what I really wanted was to be liked. So at the end of our feedback conversations, if I had challenged them to think differently about something or show up in a different way, by the end of that conversation I was going, “Are we good? Is everything okay? Are we in a good place?” I sort of cringe now when I think about that. I wanted everything to fit in this tidy emotional box that I could put on a shelf where there would never be any conflict or friction. And it just didn’t work.

Joe: If you drift toward protector mindset and you’re already showing up with high support, how do you raise standards? One of the most common patterns we see among folks who drift toward protector mindset is they struggle with feedback — with the right language or the right tone — and they tend to be nervous about saying things to someone that would upset them. I’ve had leaders say to me, “What if they quit?” And so we sometimes have to remind ourselves that most people aren’t fragile, and if we’re clear about what the standards and expectations are and those are rooted in culture and values, then we can articulate those to people.

Joe: We also want to think about how we can assign meaningful, consequential work and limit busy or elementary tasks. We also want to think about how to share standards and expectations while also communicating an explicit belief in someone’s ability to meet them. We have to be honest about what is and is not working. It’s that honesty piece that sometimes we have to bring into those feedback conversations. I care enough about you to tell you the truth. And I know that if I was working in my role and my boss felt like I wasn’t quite hitting the mark on some things, I would want him to tell me. So I’m going to offer you the same courtesy.

Joe: We also have to validate feelings and experiences without lowering expectations. We have to be able to say to people: I know this is hard. I know that it’s difficult. I know that you’re still learning how to do it. And I fully expect that as you get more time and more experience under your belt, these things will come easier to you. We also have to replace rescuing or hoarding work with coaching and allowing productive struggle. Now, this can be hard because sometimes it’s uncomfortable. Sometimes as leaders we have to reach for some leadership courage and step into the discomfort of accountability. Sometimes it means we have to resist letting people off the hook.

Joe: It’s okay to say to somebody sometimes, “Hey, you’ve got a lot on your plate, so let’s set that aside” or “Why don’t I take that piece back from you for right now?” In a standalone, isolated experience, that’s an act of compassion. But if you’re doing that consistently or you feel like that conversation is happening a lot with the same person, then that might be some of the rescuing that we’re talking about here. The simplest fix to drift away from protector mindset and toward mentor mindset is to articulate the standard and then deliver the support that you’re really good at.

Joe: There was a really interesting news story that went viral this week about an elementary school teacher who, just by changing some language he was using in the classroom, got a dramatic transformation in the behavior of his kids. Some of you on TikTok or Instagram may have already seen this. This gentleman had been reading about the psychology of adolescent development and had an idea. He stopped addressing the student and instead started naming the standard. All he did when he needed to correct a student’s behavior was: instead of saying “you need to,” he said “the expectation is.” So if he had a restless kid who kept getting out of his seat, the teacher stopped saying, “Billy, you need to stay in your seat,” and instead started saying, “Billy, the expectation is that you stay in your seat.” And he said the transformation was immediate. That communication of the standard helps people feel like: I’m not being targeted — this is the expectation.

Joe: At Boss Hero School, we teach and practice a simple feedback methodology called the feedback stack, because feedback is probably the most important skill that we need to develop as a leader in order to be able to hold people to high standards. And we have to recognize that a lot of times when leaders give feedback, we reach for vague subjective language. Our brains automatically do this instead of using more objective behavior-based language that is much clearer and doesn’t trigger defensiveness. So if this is you — if you drift toward protector mindset and struggle with those kinds of conversations — one thing you may want to think about is how you can get better at feedback. That may be an area where you want to do some skill development. Look for additional training, or there are great books out there like Crucial Conversations or Radical Candor by Kim Scott. These are all great resources for leveling up in the feedback department, and doing so might dramatically transform your leadership practice and move you closer to that mentor mindset approach.

Joe: Okay, boss heroes, that’s part one of the accountability tightrope. Make sure you hit that subscribe button because part two is on its way in just a few days. By the way, if you’d like to bring programming like this to the leaders in your organization — either as a meeting keynote or a leadership development workshop — let me know by visiting my website at joemull.com and filling out the contact form. We’ll get back to you right away to explore various ways that we could do something like this for you. Thanks for listening, and remember: commitment comes from better bosses. See you next time.

Joe: If you like these episodes, make sure you subscribe to my Boss Better email newsletter. Once a month, I’m going to send you an email packed full of insight, advice, articles, and more on activating employee commitment in today’s ever-changing workplace. This is also where you’ll find out about opportunities for programming, Boss Hero School, and more. Just go to bossbetternow.com to subscribe.